I'm not following the ABC at the mo, but not in abad way. I haven't eaten since yesterday at 11am and I'm feeling nicely empty. This is in preparation for a party with sex and stuff tonight.
... Yeah I know I'm a litte whore, but I love it ;D judge me as you will.
So I'm not going to be blogging at all today because I'm almost sure I won't be home until tomorrow afternoon, and I just wanted to tell everyone so that you don't panic lol. (like you would anyway).
Sorry for not posting yesterday; I read everyone's blogs but when it came to updating my own I just really wasn't in the mood.
So I'm gonna have a good day today ;D also, the second time F comes to my house will be today, and guess what he's doing? Getting high with me, my mother and my auntie. That's one way to meet the family! God you have to love drugs.
Bye errbody :3
Saturday 9 March 2013
Thursday 7 March 2013
Cutting calories, cutting cocaine, and just plain cutting.
Today was horrible.
I ate two hotdogs.
TWO.
I'm so done with myself.
Urg.
And I've been limping all day, because there's a gash on my leg I have from Monday night that's finally starting to heal and the skin's so tight and it's so sore, and... and... argh.
The two hotdogs are the only things I've eaten today (no buns or sauces just the actual meaty thingies) and they bring my count up to 368. So no more food, except coffee and Diet Coke. Oh I don't know how I'd live without my coffee and coke.
Talking about coke: F is sorta kinda maybe addicted to it. Not the good coke, the bad coke. Like cocaine. The shit you shove up your nose. He's quitting though, he promised me. He's why I'm quitting the self-harming too. Well, trying anyway. The cocaine bothers me and the cutting bothers him, so we've promised to stop for eachother.
So I've got such an exiting life huh?
No more food, no more cutting.
I ate two hotdogs.
TWO.
I'm so done with myself.
Urg.
And I've been limping all day, because there's a gash on my leg I have from Monday night that's finally starting to heal and the skin's so tight and it's so sore, and... and... argh.
The two hotdogs are the only things I've eaten today (no buns or sauces just the actual meaty thingies) and they bring my count up to 368. So no more food, except coffee and Diet Coke. Oh I don't know how I'd live without my coffee and coke.
Talking about coke: F is sorta kinda maybe addicted to it. Not the good coke, the bad coke. Like cocaine. The shit you shove up your nose. He's quitting though, he promised me. He's why I'm quitting the self-harming too. Well, trying anyway. The cocaine bothers me and the cutting bothers him, so we've promised to stop for eachother.
So I've got such an exiting life huh?
No more food, no more cutting.
Wednesday 6 March 2013
So Gym?
F (my boiifriend) is asking me if I want to go to the Gym with him.
See the thing is, is that I don't know what is stronger: my need to be thin, or my self-conciousness.
I want to be skinny so badly.
But I can't work out in front of him. Nevermind all the other people that might be there.
... I don't know if I could do that.
But it could be a good idea, I mean running on a treadmill is 100x better than running on actual ground (in my own opinion anyway).
...
ASDFGHJKLKJHGFDSA TODAY IS FRUSTRATING SOMEONE HELP.
See the thing is, is that I don't know what is stronger: my need to be thin, or my self-conciousness.
I want to be skinny so badly.
But I can't work out in front of him. Nevermind all the other people that might be there.
... I don't know if I could do that.
But it could be a good idea, I mean running on a treadmill is 100x better than running on actual ground (in my own opinion anyway).
...
ASDFGHJKLKJHGFDSA TODAY IS FRUSTRATING SOMEONE HELP.
Calorie Count 6/3/13
Intake:
Chocolate cupcake of UNKNOWN FRIGGIN CALORIES THAT IM ANNOYED AT.
Whew calm down you crazy bitch.
K then.
...
My tits are calm.
Jks my nipples are doing spins.
Yeah I know I'm weird leave me alone (goes to cry in the corner)
Ok ok I'm better now.
Excersise:
1 hour of walking:
189kcals
Net: IDEK ASDFGHJKJHGFDSA
...
Well basically tomorrow's weigh in day, and I swear to the gods if I've gained I will punch through a wall.
I WILL BE SKINNY <3
Love you all.
Chocolate cupcake of UNKNOWN FRIGGIN CALORIES THAT IM ANNOYED AT.
Whew calm down you crazy bitch.
K then.
...
My tits are calm.
Jks my nipples are doing spins.
Yeah I know I'm weird leave me alone (goes to cry in the corner)
Ok ok I'm better now.
Excersise:
1 hour of walking:
189kcals
Net: IDEK ASDFGHJKJHGFDSA
...
Well basically tomorrow's weigh in day, and I swear to the gods if I've gained I will punch through a wall.
I WILL BE SKINNY <3
Love you all.
300 calories
I've got 300 calories for the day. My friend doesn't want to finish her chips and shes trying to give them to me.
This is gonna be hard.
To stay under 300 calories today all I can eat is a fraction of whatever dinner my mother makes, so I've drank a SF energy drink with like 4 calories in it and chewed a shitload of gum.
...
Woohoo I got some followers and a comment and shit so I love you ok? :D Let's be friends.
Basically earlier in school my friend force-fed me a chocolate cupcake. Literally shoved it halfway down my throat. I love her and all but it was a miracle I didn't chop her into bits and set them on fire. Haha... haha... ha... yeah.
So I'm refusing to eat anything for the rest of the day because I have absolutely NO clue how many calories were in that cupcake. Could be 50, could be 350. So no more food. I can do this!
This is gonna be hard.
To stay under 300 calories today all I can eat is a fraction of whatever dinner my mother makes, so I've drank a SF energy drink with like 4 calories in it and chewed a shitload of gum.
...
Woohoo I got some followers and a comment and shit so I love you ok? :D Let's be friends.
Basically earlier in school my friend force-fed me a chocolate cupcake. Literally shoved it halfway down my throat. I love her and all but it was a miracle I didn't chop her into bits and set them on fire. Haha... haha... ha... yeah.
So I'm refusing to eat anything for the rest of the day because I have absolutely NO clue how many calories were in that cupcake. Could be 50, could be 350. So no more food. I can do this!
Tuesday 5 March 2013
Calorie Count 5/3/2013
Let's just say that I ate like a fat pig today and I'm not giving my calories because I'm just that ashamed.
ABC diet starts tomorrow though, so I will fix today's mistakes.
I've also found out that I'm allergic to bananas. Basically eating one was like taking a box of laxatives. TMI? Ah sure.
I WILL BE SKINNY <3
...
Btw, just wanted to mention that I haven't SH'd today ^^ that's a plus. I had the urge earlier but I just sort of fought it down. I've promised myself I'm not bringing a blade to school anymore either, fuck my anxeity, I'll learn to deal.
ABC diet starts tomorrow though, so I will fix today's mistakes.
I've also found out that I'm allergic to bananas. Basically eating one was like taking a box of laxatives. TMI? Ah sure.
I WILL BE SKINNY <3
...
Btw, just wanted to mention that I haven't SH'd today ^^ that's a plus. I had the urge earlier but I just sort of fought it down. I've promised myself I'm not bringing a blade to school anymore either, fuck my anxeity, I'll learn to deal.
... So I'm not single anymore
Yup, Little Miss Fuck-Up has a new fucked up fuck buddy. Well actually he's my boyfriend but I thought that sounded better. Let's call him F.
So F and I were together a little less that a year ago. It ended badly. Basically he started flirting with one of my friends over facebook, she told me and I fucked him out of my life. I know, doesn't seem like a big deal, but seeing as I'm so emotionally fragile it really screwed with my head, because he was the best relationship I've been in by far, but he flirted with my friend.
My skinnier, prettier, less emotionally unstable friend.
You'd think I wouldn't let him anywhere near me after something like that, but seeing as from about September onwards we started talking again, and he realised what an asshole he was, he changed. I even told him every little secret I'd never told anyone before, and he still wanted to be with me. So I took him back. I'm going to be spending Friday night with him for 3 hours at this Youth Club thing I go to, and then me, my friend N and the guy she's with (who's one of F's best friends) are going into Dublin Town for the day to loiter and be teenagers and stuff.
Maybe smoke a few joints depending on how the day goes.
So yeah, I'm not single.
I feel kind of good about that. Maybe things are looking up.
So F and I were together a little less that a year ago. It ended badly. Basically he started flirting with one of my friends over facebook, she told me and I fucked him out of my life. I know, doesn't seem like a big deal, but seeing as I'm so emotionally fragile it really screwed with my head, because he was the best relationship I've been in by far, but he flirted with my friend.
My skinnier, prettier, less emotionally unstable friend.
You'd think I wouldn't let him anywhere near me after something like that, but seeing as from about September onwards we started talking again, and he realised what an asshole he was, he changed. I even told him every little secret I'd never told anyone before, and he still wanted to be with me. So I took him back. I'm going to be spending Friday night with him for 3 hours at this Youth Club thing I go to, and then me, my friend N and the guy she's with (who's one of F's best friends) are going into Dublin Town for the day to loiter and be teenagers and stuff.
Maybe smoke a few joints depending on how the day goes.
So yeah, I'm not single.
I feel kind of good about that. Maybe things are looking up.
ABC
I'm starting the ABC diet in the morning. Going to stick to it strictly and make sure I get in either an hour of walking or 20-30 minutes of running a day. Anyone want to join me?
Family Drama
Last night's post was written while I was lying in a pool of blood, sick and tears. Yeah not so nice. Arguments with parents and whatnot.
The whole story about how my Dad's been shoving Bible shit down my throat for years and how badly it's screwed me up finally came out to my Ma. Yeah, that was a weird conversation. Basically I just broke down and told her how much I hated myself because (as much as I don't want to) I believe that I'm fucked in the afterlife - going to hell boiiiss see ya there.
No but seriously those thoughts are a big part of my self-destructive behaviour; I feel like I deserve to hurt because I'm such a worthless person and I'm going to hell blah blah God hates me blah I hate me too blah blah blah.
Of course I didn't tell her about anything else, so she still doesn't know about the cutting, or the disordered eating habits, or the three suicide attempts, or the rape or the drugs or the... Yeah I'm just gonna stop now.
Pretty fucked up life huh?
Well I'm a pretty fucked up person.
The whole story about how my Dad's been shoving Bible shit down my throat for years and how badly it's screwed me up finally came out to my Ma. Yeah, that was a weird conversation. Basically I just broke down and told her how much I hated myself because (as much as I don't want to) I believe that I'm fucked in the afterlife - going to hell boiiiss see ya there.
No but seriously those thoughts are a big part of my self-destructive behaviour; I feel like I deserve to hurt because I'm such a worthless person and I'm going to hell blah blah God hates me blah I hate me too blah blah blah.
Of course I didn't tell her about anything else, so she still doesn't know about the cutting, or the disordered eating habits, or the three suicide attempts, or the rape or the drugs or the... Yeah I'm just gonna stop now.
Pretty fucked up life huh?
Well I'm a pretty fucked up person.
Monday 4 March 2013
Do you get it yet?
How can I ever feel comfortable sharing with my father, when he says things like "Only idiots cut themselves." How can I listen to him go on about religion, when I can't tell him that I hate his god. I can't love an all-powerful being that let me be raped at twelve years old; that let me be abused, used, thrown away; that gave me my horrible body and my horrible face, and a god that hates me for things he either created or I can't control.
How do I explain to my parents that they don't have to bother worrying about what college I'll get into when I leave school: I'm planning on being dead by then.
How do I explain that every time they say "I had a reason to be miserable when I was your age" I think "Yeah, fucking try mine."
When my mother said "You can just walk the streets and whore yourself out if you don't get a job!" and I'm there thinking, been there done that.
They really don't know anything. But they will.
They will.
Calorie Count 4/3/2012
Intake:
2 slices of toast with low-fat butter:
148kcals
2 Eggs, scrambled:
161kcals
Handful of cheese and onion crisps:
probably about 20kcal
Total = 323
Exercise:
1 hour walking:
189kcals
30 minutes yoga:
120-ish
Total = 309
Net:
14kcals.
Not a deficit but I'm quite happy with that c:
2 slices of toast with low-fat butter:
148kcals
2 Eggs, scrambled:
161kcals
Handful of cheese and onion crisps:
probably about 20kcal
Total = 323
Exercise:
1 hour walking:
189kcals
30 minutes yoga:
120-ish
Total = 309
Net:
14kcals.
Not a deficit but I'm quite happy with that c:
Exam Results
Sick of it. The whole thing: the lessons, the teachers, the students. Hate it. Hate it all.
I've gotten two C's in my exams so far, Maths and German. Only one B in music, and even that was a low B.
Guess what, I'm not so hungry anymore. And my thighs are itching for the bite of a blade. This is what school does to me.
...
Just found out I only got 51% on my Irish exam. I'm definitely going to cut tonight. Not going to eat though... Well I had a handful of crisps from my friend so I didn't call attention, but thats it.
...
Turns out I did eat, but not much.
I've gotten two C's in my exams so far, Maths and German. Only one B in music, and even that was a low B.
Guess what, I'm not so hungry anymore. And my thighs are itching for the bite of a blade. This is what school does to me.
...
Just found out I only got 51% on my Irish exam. I'm definitely going to cut tonight. Not going to eat though... Well I had a handful of crisps from my friend so I didn't call attention, but thats it.
...
Turns out I did eat, but not much.
Hunger
My stomach's growling so loudly. In a silent room full of people.
... Stomach stfu you're not getting fed. You're not really as hungry as you think you are, so shut up before I slap you.
School
So far the day hasn't been great. There was a stupid fight yesterday over my friend S dying her hair the colour another girl apparently wanted to, so now this girl (J) is bitching about her, and me for sticking up for S.
Fuckin teenage drama, I want to scream sometimes.
Sitting in music, second class, it's 10:30am and I'm blogging on my phone because the teacher is an oblivious eejit haha.
So far today I've eaten nothing. My mam didn't make me lunch, she left money on the table for me but I just put it in a drawer because I don't want to buy binge food with it. I was going to bring an apple with me but I forgot. So looks like I'm fasting at least until dinner. Maybe I can get out of dinner too.
I will be skinny, I will be happy, and no-one is going to stop me.
... Obviously I have no internet at school so anything I write today will be posted at the same time when I get home. Don't explode or anything.
Fuckin teenage drama, I want to scream sometimes.
Sitting in music, second class, it's 10:30am and I'm blogging on my phone because the teacher is an oblivious eejit haha.
So far today I've eaten nothing. My mam didn't make me lunch, she left money on the table for me but I just put it in a drawer because I don't want to buy binge food with it. I was going to bring an apple with me but I forgot. So looks like I'm fasting at least until dinner. Maybe I can get out of dinner too.
I will be skinny, I will be happy, and no-one is going to stop me.
... Obviously I have no internet at school so anything I write today will be posted at the same time when I get home. Don't explode or anything.
Sunday 3 March 2013
So apparently I can use this thing on my phone
Handy, now I can use it a lot when I'm just sitting around. I'll probably write more th
at way because then I don't have to go looking for my laptop. Nice.
I'll get into everything later, for now I need sleep.
First Post Ever
My name is Melanie.
I have some problems.
I figure blogging might help a bit, so I'm going to try to get into doing that at least once a day before I go to bed.
I'll also be recording what I eat, my height and weight, BMI, and days I've gone without self-harming.
... I know, weird blog. I'm startign tomorrow. Enjoy the ride.
I have some problems.
I figure blogging might help a bit, so I'm going to try to get into doing that at least once a day before I go to bed.
I'll also be recording what I eat, my height and weight, BMI, and days I've gone without self-harming.
... I know, weird blog. I'm startign tomorrow. Enjoy the ride.
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